Bitter Sweet Stuff

19 08 2011

I’ve started to taste the bitter of the Kool-aid. Ha, I like it, describes what I’m feeling to a tee…

Existential crisis in progress. Exit now before it’s too late. Seriously, get off the crazy train while you can…

I know I’ve been grumpy & bummed lately, but I really hit a wall tonight.

I don’t know wtf I’m doing, not at work or w/ school or my personal life.

I have no idea, I’m just kind of floundering.

I come in and do my job and leave.

So I found my old myspace blog the other night & then I went looking & found my older blogs. The first one i started writing in 2001, TEN years ago & I was asking the same questions, Who am I? What do I want to do w/ my life? Why am i doing what I’m doing? Why don’t I have a plan?

It scares me that a decade has gone by & I still can’t answer any of those questions
and feeling unfulfilled by work isn’t helping it. As much as I hated staying late for 4 hours after work, I knew when I was leaving that I’d DONE something.

I’m not doing anything right now & too much time to think doesn’t help me any.

I never thought I’d be one of those people without a purpose, you know?
I don’t see myself as one of those people.
But I am.

I’m trying to figure shit out, but don’t really know how.

I just want to walk away from everything, but I know that’s not an option or the answer.
I’m getting paid a lot of money to not do much, it’s a pretty sweet deal, but I don’t know how long the money will be enough.

I’m not needed right now, not really, I’m here ‘in case’ something happens.

I think being alienated from the rest of the world on 3rd isn’t helping me much. I know I have the weekends, but it’s getting through the week that’s the problem now.

I’m just in a mood tonight & by the weekend I’ll feel better, I’m just hoping this mood doesn’t continue.

I’m not even depressed about it, I’m angry about the way I feel.

With all the talk around work of building a winning team & engaging employees to feel appreciated & like we have a purpose, my purpose has been taken away & it’s really starting to piss me off.

Eh, there’s no helping me tonight.




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