I <3 stuff…

There are random things that make me really happy. I mention them to people, in passing, but I always feel like a tool & never go into much detail. They’re mostly things on the internet. Blogs I read, my message board, my Pump *clap* You Up playlist on playlist.com, facebook (as childish as I feel for loving it so much), the Watch What Happens Live aftershow, Twitter (which I fought & boycotted for years), Nicholas Feitel’s Pandora Station, Poppit on Chrome, IM’s from friends who login to messenger to chat w/ me even after they’ve gone home from work.

After a shitty day & a kind of shitty weekend, these are the keep me going. The things that get me through the night. Don’t get me wrong, I like my smoke breaks & smoking table friends, all great people who’s company I throughly enjoy. But there’s something magical that happens to me when I’ve got music playing through my headphones & a something fun going on online.

I love my BFF, who sends me texts when he knows I’ve had a bad day to make me laugh or just to say that he’s thinking about me & hopes I’ve feeling better. He makes me turkish coffee & runs to the store for toothpaste when I realize we’re out & I need to jump in the shower to get ready for the day.

I don’t know what I’d do w/out Adrian. Once in a while he jokes about leaving Texas & the oppressive heat & once in a while I joke about what I’m going to do w/ his bedroom once I kick him out, but as the only real constant in my life for the last 4 years, I’d be lost w/out him.

My mom has this way of reminding me that I’m a divorced, childless woman in my 30’s and that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life (she says it directly once in a while, but mostly she just makes underhanded comments that allude to it) and once in a while, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable (like today) I believe her. I let her fuck with my head. I get really sad about my lack of a love life & even worse, my lack of ability at getting a love life… But then I remember that I have people who I love that love me back. Adrian knows the crazy & he still wants to be the crazy’s best friend. I have tons of other friends too, but no one & I mean no one in my life has lived with the crazy and accepted the crazy the way Adrian has.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not easy to love. I’m dark & twisty & insecure & hell on wheels. So I appreciate the people that do love me that much more.

Listening to Ozma now & sincerely pretty happy 🙂