Warning Signs

19 08 2011

The following entry was written in my old blog that I just recently found:

2002-02-20

Am I responsible? Am I mature enough to make life altering decisions? I have enough trouble deciding what to wear in the mornings… Yes, I am responsible. Yes, I live a comfortable life that I’ve provided for myself. Yes, I’ve stopped running away from life & it’s problems. But I also like to say FUCK IT every once in a while & throw all caution to the wind. I like to run off on random goose chases. You once said you loved how random I am. Was I just being random when I said yes? Or was I being responsible? Was I really thinking? Or was it just my heart talking? Am I being rational or just getting caught up in my emotions? I meant it when I said that you are the most important thing in the world to me… you & your love keep me going… But can I deal with not being your #1 priority? Can I be second to your job or school or your happiness? Can I listen to how she fucked up & not think that it’s your feeble attempt to subtly warn me or threaten me not to make the same mistakes she made? (we all know you lack tact) Can I be who & what you want without loosing myself? I like going to shows on Tuesday nights… I like staying up late… I like Gumby’s at 3am even though it’s not healthy… Damn it, I like smoking…

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I wrote that like a week after I got engaged… WTF did I still get married?

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Bitter Sweet Stuff

19 08 2011

I’ve started to taste the bitter of the Kool-aid. Ha, I like it, describes what I’m feeling to a tee…

Existential crisis in progress. Exit now before it’s too late. Seriously, get off the crazy train while you can…

I know I’ve been grumpy & bummed lately, but I really hit a wall tonight.

I don’t know wtf I’m doing, not at work or w/ school or my personal life.

I have no idea, I’m just kind of floundering.

I come in and do my job and leave.

So I found my old myspace blog the other night & then I went looking & found my older blogs. The first one i started writing in 2001, TEN years ago & I was asking the same questions, Who am I? What do I want to do w/ my life? Why am i doing what I’m doing? Why don’t I have a plan?

It scares me that a decade has gone by & I still can’t answer any of those questions
and feeling unfulfilled by work isn’t helping it. As much as I hated staying late for 4 hours after work, I knew when I was leaving that I’d DONE something.

I’m not doing anything right now & too much time to think doesn’t help me any.

I never thought I’d be one of those people without a purpose, you know?
I don’t see myself as one of those people.
But I am.

I’m trying to figure shit out, but don’t really know how.

I just want to walk away from everything, but I know that’s not an option or the answer.
I’m getting paid a lot of money to not do much, it’s a pretty sweet deal, but I don’t know how long the money will be enough.

I’m not needed right now, not really, I’m here ‘in case’ something happens.

I think being alienated from the rest of the world on 3rd isn’t helping me much. I know I have the weekends, but it’s getting through the week that’s the problem now.

I’m just in a mood tonight & by the weekend I’ll feel better, I’m just hoping this mood doesn’t continue.

I’m not even depressed about it, I’m angry about the way I feel.

With all the talk around work of building a winning team & engaging employees to feel appreciated & like we have a purpose, my purpose has been taken away & it’s really starting to piss me off.

Eh, there’s no helping me tonight.





NIN kind of night

19 08 2011

So, Nine Inch Nails isn’t exactly feel good music… So what does it say about me that when I want to feel better, I listen to NIN? Or Nirvana or STP or Pearl Jam or Fiona Apple??

None of that is happy or uplifting…

I’m in a mood. I found my old blogs, all my old blogs. Apparently I’ve been blogging since 2001… That’s a long ass time. And you know what? Shit hasn’t really changed. I’m still manically happy or unhappy about the same things. I’ve written so many “this is the year I change this this & this about my life” posts, it’s comical! I’m still doing all the things I’ve needed to stop doing & I’m still not doing all of the things I’ve needed to start doing. A decade of my life has gone by, a DECADE! I’m still trying to answer the questions I started asking when I was 21! Who am I? Who do I want to be? What am I doing w/ my life? What do I want to do?

I have no fucking idea.

And that upsets me.





Roadtrip 2011 ~ First Stop New Olreans

28 06 2011

San Antonio to New Orleans to Atlanta to Frederick to Syracuse to New York City to Louisville to Memphis to Ft Worth to Austin to San Antonio 2 weeks, just a little under 5000 miles & a lot of cigarettes later…

We left San Antonio on Monday, June 6th at 2:31am… I remember the time because I wanted to be on the road by 2:30 & thought damn, we’re already behind schedule… You need to know that I am a little… what’s the word… anal? about traveling. I like a schedule, I like to know where I’m going, when I expect to be there & what I will be doing once I get there.

The first stop was New Orleans. Now I’d only been to NOLA once before, in December, so going in early June was a very different experience. The first noticeable difference was how different the French Quarter smells in the summer… It’s pretty damn funky. The 2nd difference was the heat/humidity. We literally carried 2 suitcases up 1 flight of stairs and were drenched in sweat when we got into our room. It was MISERABLE. But it was an awesome room with a great view from the balcony.
View from our Balcony

There was no where to park on the street, turns out it was street sweeping day on the particular street we were staying on, so we drove the car to a paid parking lot & then WALKED BACK TO THE HOTEL IN 200% humidity. That was also an experience, since the last time I was there, I was with a big group & didn’t get hassled much at all. We well encountered all matter of people, men mostly asking for money. Adrian lit a cigarette & was immediately followed by a guy asking if he could bum a smoke. So, we ended up walking the rest of the way w/out smoking… We got back to the room & ended up taking naps (since we left SA at 2am & drove through the night to avoid both Houston & Baton Rouge traffic… btw, thanks for the tip Brandi!)

We made reservations for dinner at at Chris’s suggestion & it was so so good. We walk in & the owner of the place is sitting at his permanently reserved table in the bar area. He was a friendly gentleman and made polite conversation with us since we were the first dinner customers of the day. We had the baked oyster trio & the spinach crab thing, I’ll have to look up the name of it latter, because it was awesome!
Baked Oyster Trio

Fresh seafood is definitely a favorite of mine. I’ve thought about trying to go pescetarian, but then I remember I make a mean chicken fried steak & it quickly faded from my mind.

With Wendy

My good friend Wendy lives in the area & met us at the restaurant for dessert & drinks. Here’s another little side story, I met Wendy on a Military Wives message board many moons ago, but we had never met in person. We have been ‘internet’ friends for such a long time, I mean, I haven’t been a military wife in at least 4 years & this goes back way further than that, but I recognized her as soon as she walked in. We hung out, took a picture w/ something that said Bourbon St on it & ended up moving the car to a parking garage that Wendy & her husband recommended.

Wendy then enlisted her husband to take us on a non-tourist tour of New Orleans. We got into a car w/ people we had only physically met about 2 hours before & didn’t even bat an eye. I mention that because that is how strong the bond is with the girls on my message board. I know them, I trust them, I’m willing to get into cars w/ them & let them take me all over a city I don’t know. It’s kind of amazing that these types of friendships are possible. As much as I hate the internet & social media sometimes, & as much as it has made it so that people can hide behind their computers & alienate themselves, it has also made this place a small small world. I know people that live all over the world. That makes me happy.

Anyway, we got to see the city hear some of the history from locals. They also took us to for beignets and coffee.
Morning Call Cafe

It’s crazy when you meet people that you just gel with. Next trip to New Orleans will be in the late fall, never summer, never again. We’ll also make sure we stay somewhere w/ on-site parking a little closer in the heart of the Quarter.





9/11

11 09 2010

I feel like I should say something or do something to acknowledge the day.

I honestly hate nine-eleven. I hate saying it. It makes me sad. My debit card expires in September 2011 & I dread paying for anything over the phone & having to say 9/11 for the expiration date, so I don’t, I say September Two Thousand Eleven.

I’m weird like that.

I don’t know what I feel today. Of course I feel for the people who lost their lives that day… I feel for their families more because, well, I don’t know what happens after you die… I’d hope that there’s an after life, because, really I think we deserve better than decomposing in the ground… But I don’t know, so I’ll leave it there…

But I am thinking about how that day changed the world & all the people who have died because of that day… It’s amazing how a singular event can change the course of history… It can change the world, rewrite the future…

I’m going out for drinks w/ some friends tonight, so I’ll have one for those who lost their lives this day 9 years ago and for those who have lost their lives because of it…

An old friend from elementary school posting this on facebook today & I thought it fitting to remember a day before our generation lost it’s innocence…

Pink Floyd – Remember a Day





Oh Pizza… How I love you :-)

9 09 2010

Here’s my most recent pride & joy!

I mostly followed these 2 recipes, except I made my pizza dough in the food processor, had to add about 1/2 a cup of water to keep it moving & then in turn had to add about 1/2 a cup of flour to make it ‘not sticky’ once I turned it out & started kneading it.

I also *did not* make my own sauce, I used a can of fire roasted tomatoes with garlic & just put it on the stove to simmer for about 5 minutes before putting it on the crust.

Let me know if you try it! It really did turn out so great!

Pizza Dough

Margherita Pizza





Pizza Cont…

8 09 2010

It looks awesome! I’ll post pics & the recipes I followed & the results of the taste testing 🙂